Garden Monkey's Twelve Days of Christmas

Day Five

Now this has the making of a game for down the pub.

I would like the ability to bring species back from extinction.

Of course such amazing power could not, and should not, be granted without conditions. And so in the best fairytale/pantomime tradition I will restrict myself to just three choices.

Plus you have to chose flora or fauna. And no mixing and matching.

My first choice is easy - the Dodo. They were just so mad looking. Added to which as they were (I seem to recall) related to pigeons, I reckon they'd make ideal pets and their future would be assured. BTW if by any chance any gene-splicing mad scientist is reading this and nicks the idea - I want a commission.

Second - The Moa - this is a 12 ft flightless bird from New Zealand. How much money would you pay to watch one chase Billl Oddie?

For the third - I am being indulgent here. My late godfather, one of the warmest, gentlest souls I've ever known. I'd sacrifice a lot just to have an hour again with him.

But of course everything comes at a cost. Just as in the Hammer Horror movie 'The Devil Rides Out', once the Angel of Death is summoned from Hell, he cannot return without a soul, if you conjure back something from extinction, you have to surrender a species back to it.

So goodbye Vine Weevil.

Goodbye Lily Beetle.

and goodbye......

Well, that one I leave open to suggestions........

Garden Monkey's Guide to the Idiot Box

Imagine an edition of Come Dine With Me with David Gest in it.

Add Dennis ("write da feem toon, sing da feem toon") Waterman's daugher, Reg Holdswoth's ex-amor from Corrie, and Diarmiud Gavin.

And what do you have?

Answers on a postcard.

Meanwhile it's on Channel 4 next Tuesday

Garden Monkey's Twelve Days of Christmas

Apologies - this should have appeared yesterday.
Think of it as a being like a window left unopened on an advent calendar - when you unexpectedly have an extra chocolate to eat. Except that the chocolate in an advent calendars is always cheap horrible shite.

Day Four - A Big Old Bag (no jokes please)

I would like Mary Poppins' holdall.

The reason for this?

Well my garden book collection is getting seriously out of hand and I need somewhere to store them all. There are rumblings in the Monkey House about the matter and I don't mean that we are in danger of subsidence, although that is a slight concern.

It did occur to me that a tardis might be better, but then I realised that would be far too dangerous - I mean - I spend far to much time wandering aimlessly around the interweb when I should be doing something useful, imagine if I had the whole of time and space to wander around - I'd get nothing done.

Garden Monkey's Guide to Desperation

OK - You've left Christmas shopping too late. There is nothing left in the shops.

You need something gardeny. What do you do?

See what your local constabulary have on offer.

Have a look at these great presents - and all for a quid.

Please don't bother to send me your thanks, I am too busy hiding in an old sack having been traumatized by the photo and wondering what sort of massive crime ring TV police have busted that has lead to this haul of booty.

Garden Monkey's Twelve Day's of Christmas

Day Three - Allotment Nutters

Having an allotment is, of course, very popular these days. And the nouveau plot-holder tends to
be portrayed, in the media at least, as some uber-trendy, switched-on eco-head and foodie.

I can't help but think that we've lost sight of something. The allotment nutters who were down there digging away, long before any of this new wave had even heard of Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, much less Cavalero-bloody-Nero.

So I'd like to see something on TV where we can celebrate (I probably mean laugh at) these often idiosyncratic and regularly really out-there folk.

This time last year I was longing for the return of The Big Dig.

I guess I still want that, but as an alternative how about Cleve West's allotment sitcom wot he has written?

Of course if I was truly indulging in wishful thinking I'd want someone to give me a bundle of cash to turn Allotmental into a script. But that'll never happen. That would be like someone going on TV and rotavating a plot full of couch grass.


Shakes head.


......Hey? Hang on!.....

Garden Monkey's Guide to Blog and Websites

When I first came across this website I was more than a little alarmed.

I'm not sure fisting is ever a good idea, and I'm positive it's something that we monkeys are completley averse to. That space is reserved for nuts you understand.

But is is a very idiosyncratic blog - always a feature to be appreciated - and I was won over by this Bloody Monkey drinks recipe.

I may well add it to the GM drinks repertoire which I've been delving into over on Twitter.

Not sure about buyng vodka in half gallon quantities though - after all I'm not Ann-Marie Powell.

Garden Monkey's Twelve Days of Christmas

Day Two - Exceptions to the Rule

I have a lot of garden books. Too many in fact. To the point that I am thinking of gathering most of the vegetable growing ones together to make the walls of a raised bed.

But I got one this year that I really loved because it was different.

Mark Diacono’s Veg Patch : River Cottage Handbook No. 4.

It is, quite rightly, now award-winning.

Instead of rehashing the same old shit about growing spuds, onions and cabbages it actually steers away from the stuff that is cheap to buy and boring to grow, and sets the veg out in categories.

First “Plot to Plate - the stuff you should grow because the fresher it is the better it tastes. Then “Transformers” the things to grow that will change the rest of the food on your plate. Next “Money Savers” the veg that costs a lot in the shops. The eco-conscious “Imported” - shop-bought produce that often has a lot of food miles attached and finally “Ornamental” the category for plants that looks good as well as taste good.

This is a masterstroke, particularly in encouraging new veg growers, who are often put off when their hard-fought efforts are rewarded with something a bit ordinary - if not less than that.

It’s an apparently simple idea, but is actually a very clever format, which makes the book exceptional.

So that is my second Christmas wish - more exceptional books.

Garden Monkey's Twelve Days of Christmas

It's in the paper so it must be true - to make something a Christmas tradition, you simply have to do it more than once. Hardly Carols from Kings tho’ is it?

However on that basis, I have a tradition to uphold and I am very wary of breaking traditions - it normally induces seven years bad luck, or a mummy's curse, or some other unlikely load of hokum, so here we go with my Twelve Days of Christmas thing.

Day One - More Positive Changes

The English Garden magazine always seemed exactly the same every time I looked at it. It was full of yawnsomely nice stuff, but very very samey and old-fashioned, in short a bit granny-ish.

Then earlier this year Tamsin Westhorpe took over as editor. Changes have been incremental but noticeable and definitely for the better.

Now when I pick it up it’s with an air of expectation, rather than resignation.

More of the same please.

Garden Monkey's Guide to Lawnatics

Some years ago I was watching Neil Tennant on a TV music programme. Part of the show featured, as I recall, a chart with Christopher Biggins doing the voiceover.

Part way through the interview with the Pet Shop Boy, Biggins’ voice was heard over the air loudly demanding “Tell Neil Tennant, I want my step-ladder back!”

It creased me up at the time and still does when I think of it. I may of course have dreamt the whole thing*.

Celebrities borrowing mundane items and then not giving them back all seems a bit ‘Stellar Street’ to me and highly amusing . On which note….

Yesterday’s post was courtesy of Popbitch, a celebrity gossip site that I heartily recommend if you are disposed towards that sort of thing. If you register they will send you a weekly newsletter full of all sort of oddments.

Last week’s newsletter had the following:

"A Popbitch public service:One Popbitch reader informs us that an elderly relative of theirs lent Jon Snow her lawnmower, and is still waiting to get it back.

Jon Snow.

If you still have the lawnmower.

Give it back."

This made me laugh no end. He seems so full of integrity, reading the news in his natty ties, but it seems that is just a cover for his nefarious, pensioner’s lawn-mower, “borrowing”.

It’s nearly as bad as the MP’s expenses scandal.

(*I didn’t - see here)

Garden Monkey's guide to the G-Word

Lord knows I hate gnomes. So, so much

But if I had to have one I'd have this.

Not because I'm trying to appear high-brow - but just because it's such a bad joke.

(via Popbitch)